Category Archives: News

It’s all about the children!

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In an effort to save the children for future exploitation, one Catholic Priest has taken to extreme measures. Basically it’s a “save ’em to love ’em” kind of a gig he’s got goin on! One wonders though if perhaps this dude’s not being just a little bit too obvious!


York’s Planned Parenthood protests a protestor

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Grumpy Old Pissants

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Those gasbags who make up the old white men’s party, aka Rethugs, aka, GOP, have decided it would be cool to fuck with all of the unemployed by doing their damn best to make sure you’ll have a nasty holiday season. They failed in giving you a heart attack and you’ll get your extension. But, we here at Five by Five think you should be reminded of just how nasty these old men are!

As GOP Holds Up Unemployment Extension, Nearly 200,000 Lose Their Benefits

Crazy like a Foxx

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Apparently the good folks of North Carolina decided it would be a good idea to be represented by a clinically insane person and so they elected a Virginia Foxx as their Rep. This woman says some wackadoodle things from the Floor of the United States House of Representatives. Listen y’all, if I was from North Carolina, I’d be embarrassed to admit it! I mean, we here at Five by Five love that beautiful state, but by sending this “missing every damn fry in her happy meal” to represent, ya pretty well screwed yourself!

GOP congresswoman says health care bill scarier than terrorism

Forever young

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Listen, some fool of a scientist thinks in 20 years we’ll have the technology to live forever. We here at Five by Five are scared to death of that proposition for so many reasons, not the least of which is our fear of mother earth collapsing in on herself due to a major over-crowding of the planet. Plus, we’re already on full annoyance that it takes us 45 minutes to find parking at the local market. Another reason this freaks us out is that it will force us to spend the rest of our lives with you, not that you aren’t a wonderful and lovely person, but damn, forever with you?!

Immortality only 20 years away says scientist

Dementia and old people

Lou Dobbs, that dotty old half-crazed douche-nozzle who makes a regular bobble-headed appearance over at the CNN and who thinks that brown people are responsible for all the shit on his front lawn, has taken to the airwaves to let people know that real, honest-to-goodness bullets have been sent hurtling in his direction. We hate to sound skeptical…ahhhh hell, no we don’t…we’re skeptical!

Lou Dobbs: Gunshots Fired At Me, My Wife, My House

Heteroflexible

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Straight women are always kvetching that hot men are either gay and/or married. Gay men on the other hand seem always to be bitching that the hot men forever on display are either straight and/or married. Well kids, get ready to add a new wrinkle to the blanket. Looks like flexibility is in! Yay for gumby!

Is “Heteroflexible” the New Gay?

That’s showbiz for ya!

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According to the good folks over at People (via cnn.com), Marky Mark Mark Wahlberg is expecting a baby. Yes, we were a little shocked too. But that’s showbiz for ya…always a little shocking and totally out of the norm. We wish the Calvin Klein model who we secretly lusted after in our heart of hearts, the best of luck pushing out the new little one. We also pray to the gods/goddesses that Mr. Wahlberg won’t be left with stretchmarks! Those things suck!

Mark Wahlberg expecting a girl